Falling through the looking glass.

So... I was stumbling... yes I do that... too often it seems. And I came across an article, it was about something I already gave up... but... the spoken words of it were enough to make me question the things in my life that are bogging me down. I need constant input, I find myself daily in front of my computer, or my TV, mindlessly playing games, watching movies, or stumbling. How many hours of my life have I wasted to this? How long have I been gaming, and ignoring the things around me? Too long, too many hours have been spent mindlessly doping myself up on the constant need to get to the next level, or see the next episode... I have yet to become the person I want to be... I'm almost 30 and I know more about what is happening to video game characters then my own fucking family.

So as of today, I quit. I quit gaming, I quit mindlessly watching show after show of nothing, I quit stumbling or seeking escape in memes and trolls. Now this doesn't mean I'm stopping everything. I'm not. I currently am going to spend 3 hours a week watching television, there are shows I enjoy, that I actually want to watch, but that is at least 1/10th of the amount of time I currently spend mindlessly staring at the "idiot box" I will only use my X-box for exercise, I will not game on my PC in any way. I will not use Facebook Apps, I will spend 30 minutes online. I will not chat online, you need to talk to me, I have a phone, you have my number... I did fine about 2 years ago when I did not have a Facebook, I can do fine again without it.

Now, I am not saying that casual gaming is bad, but I am past casual, and into reflexive. I play games without even thinking of gaming... I just do it before anything else. I spent almost 3/4ths of my money on games over the past 6 months... That bothers the hell out of me. So, until I develop different habits I quit. I may come back to gaming in the future, it is 1/2 the focus of my career after all, but I can only come back to this after I have found my way in my life without. I don't know if I have the will power to do this, and I will try my hardest to keep it up... as of now, I am removing all my current games, uninstalling them all... I'm going to see where this goes, and update as I can.

Wish me luck friends... even now I either keep adding clauses to this "Well I'll play Elderscrolls 5 obviously..." "I'll still play with my friends, like party games..." I won't none of those. I keep trying to convince myself that I should delete this and jump on TF2... I say fuck you impulses... I am the master of me... Today starts the new marker of my life, and the day I develop new habits. Goodbye gaming... Hello homework and responsibility.

Hipsters
Circle I Limbo

General asshats
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Bill Gates
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Nancy Pelosi
Circle IV Rolling Weights

Steve Jobs
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

George Bush
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Scientologists
Circle VII Burning Sands

Osama bin Laden
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

The Pope
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Hot and vapid, or chubby and deep... you decide.

This post... It has nothing to do with recent activity in my life. Though the events that have unfolded over the past few months have done nothing to help ease my growing frustration, they have not fueled this little rant. So, please, understand this, if you stumble upon this post, and you think it has ANYTHING to do with you it doesn't... it is for the nameless, the faceless masses that have caused this discontent feeling... This feeling that has grown over a long period of time... this is a rant where I see something in myself, and I just need to scream it to the heavens... or to cold vastness of cyberspace...

Why is it I have nothing to offer the opposite sex? I'm not debasing myself, in fact I've got 1,000 traits that make me one hell of a catch. I mean look at me, I'm smart, funny as hell, and I've got a confidence in myself that just won't quit. I'm charismatic, and clever, I'm wise and kind... I'll always offer myself to my friends (or anyone really) as a ear to bend, or a shoulder to cry on. Of course, my interest in pop culture, and my nerdy yet cool personality is always prominent... These traits... what is the point? I lack the one thing that is required to offer anything to the opposite sex. I lack the "swoon factor." I'm a little to chubby, I'm uncouth, and I tend to dress with comfort over style. I don't make the ladies' hearts go pitter patter... and because of that... I'm forever the friend. The "big brother" the guy who will always be told "Some girl will be lucky to have you" just not the person telling me that... Because, I'm not hot... I'm confident, not stupid. The thing is is I've noticed something important about people, well women... Well... not "all" women, that is stereotyping. So let us just say it this way...

As I have seen, there is a trend. This trend dictates, that women want a guy with my traits, but not my body. If they don't see the exact guy that make the hearts flutter, they tend to look past the person. the perpetrators of this trend always say the same thing (to me, because I'm they friend they complain to...) They want a man who is deep... yet, they always tend to go after the vapid hot guy with the personality of sand (grainy and gets in uncomfortable places). The guy ends up being a loser, with no depth... why? Because, attractive people get what they want without a lot of effort, they don't need to develop deep personalities. Not saying attractive people don't have personalities... but lets be honest, a good chunk of the really hot ones tend to be about themselves... cause honestly, everyone is into them why shouldn't they be too? (at this point I'm ranting, I do not fully feel this way... I'm just bitter.) On the opposite end of the spectrum, people like me, (I consider myself handsome, but not hot...) people who are not part of the instant flirt factor... We have to develop a personality... we need to be deep, and caring, and kind... because without it... we are vapid losers (A type that exists... a certain DickRichard comes to mind). So in the end, I'm the example of a man with the mind women want, and that is where it ends. The sad truth is, A ton of people know me as the great guy I am, but because they didn't see me as "attractive" when they met me, I got the glaze over, and now I'm just another one of the sensitive guys that will always be there for them in the emotional sense... -shrug- turns out to be my lot in life.

I could change I guess... work hard, lose weight, and try to become that hot guy everyone wants... but honestly... I don't feel like it. (that is I don't feel like changing to find the love of a good woman, but for my health, now that is a damned good reason to lose weight, which I really am trying) I want someone to like me for me. God damn it... I LIKE WHO I AM!! I just wish people would look deeper then the skin... and I really need to stop looking at The Art Institute for a date... I feel like I come across as an old creeper...

And just so we are clear, I do look for attractive people to date... but honestly, to me personality is more attractive then physicality... I sure as fuck don't judge a book by it's cover... so take a minute after reading this and consider... Do you?

Oh and, as a side note I read something today that pissed me off... so let me just get this off my chest. Funny is only Sexy if the person also has the physical traits you are looking for... If funny really was sexy in all cases, I wouldn't have a reason to post the above... (that is not directed at the poster of "Funny is Sexy" I just saw it and it made my eye twitch, and I don't consider the person who posted it to be the kind who is looking for the Vapid Hot Guy over me... That person is better then that.)

Spring, the beginning of a good thing... again.

Tonight I sat on my upstairs deck and watched the clouds roll by... It was warm and damp and very windy, and I got a strange sense of purpose. I sat and listened to music and in my mind's eye my dreams, hopes, and wishes all seemed within reach, just like those clouds rushing by.

I realized sitting there in the dark, I have felt really depressed lately... Maybe it is because I feel like I'm never living up to my potential, maybe it is because my past always seems to be reaching for me from the shadows... maybe I'm just lonely. All viable reasons, though, honestly it is because it is so damned cold... The winter sees me shut in like a hermit, and I hate it... for a fat guy, I love to get out, to hike and explore and camp and see the world around me... but, the cold air keeps me from finding a companion to hunt through the woods looking for a random bug, bunny, or just a pleasant spot to sit and take in all the beauty of nature. such as what I was doing, sitting on my deck... feeling the wind on my face and listening to the calls of the night.
 
As I sat taking the world in, I couldn't help be feel like I'm doing it wrong. Whatever it is... and that I am more then capable of changing it. And so I am, I'm changing this... feeling... I'm going to make it better... I'm going to like myself more, and I may be lonely but I sure as hell am not alone. I'm going to change the things about myself that *I* don't like... Screw the things that other people don't like, or wish were different about me... I want to like *me* and when I do... the rest will fall into place.


Want to see a list of what I am changing? Too damn bad... that isn't the point of this.

Then why am I writing it? You could say I am putting it to "paper" so that I can actually create a tangible thought process out of an abstract feeling. You could also say I am looking for support in this choice (support is welcome, but not my purpose)... Honestly, the two reasons I'm doing this are 1. I intend on posting a blog about my personal thoughts, dreams, and life in general... one of the things I want to change is my inability to commit to a schedule, or journal. I feel I am an interesting and I figure if you *want* to see what is going on in my head... here is the place.

2.) Well... Honestly, when the Spring is beginning to spring, I get this feeling over and over again. When winter settles in, I begin to get depressed again. If the cold and winter feeling lasts roughly 4 months a year, I have 8 in which to put myself in a place to defend against that malaise. Just before this time last year, I broke up with a wonderful woman, because I could not cope with that idea... (that and I didn't know where I was going to be within a week...) I regret so many actions I've taken in my life, and almost all of them have been committed in the winter months... no regret is the wrong word... I look back upon them with sorrow... and I've decided for once to stand up against that malaise. So I will, I will stand up and take my life back, I will no longer allow the seasons to control my life. And to take a proper stance, I need a record, and a statement of intent. So this is a record to myself, Stand up, change what needs to be changed and end this cycle of discontentment. This time next year, I will be happy, I swear it.

Days of wonder, nights of damnation.

So... my dreams have been very vivid lately... some good, some bad, all interesting. I am keeping a dream journal for when I have those very interesting dreams, that I cannot seem to shake. (I am writing this to what I will call my invisible audience... because I don't know who, if anyone will read this, but it is intended for an audience...) I have written of my dreams before, anyone who has followed my writing before knows some of my dreams have a narrative to them, as such they seldom come across as dreams, more like stories. So take this as you will... a Blog full of short stories, or dreams, I don't care. I am also going to use this blog to date and chronicle the odd things that have sprung up in my home as of late... and by as of late, I mean since the morning of Tuesday 1-18-2011... the following is a post I made on facebook... I don't want to re type this... so I'm gonna copy/paste... I'm doing this, in case this pans out to be something paranormal, I want dated documentation for my own records... I'm just that silly. (any asides are commentary added from after I wrote this in facebook):

"I got home on Monday (Tuesday morning actually @ 1am) from our little adventure (a group of friends and I went sight seeing and pic taking in a graveyard... stupid, but fun). On Tuesday morning, a nearly empty watering can sprung a leak and soaked my mom's craft room, soaking everything in sight. the amount of water found on scene would fill the watering can twice...... this morning at 3:34 am there was a tremendous crash outside my door, and objects that were in one place before we went to bed wound up in new and exciting places... such as the seven foot mechanical skeleton that was a good five feet away from my bedroom. Somehow, it ended up not only being in front of my bedroom door but lodged in the door frame as though forced there... another thing was a screen we use to stop the dogs from peeing on my mom's plants upstairs... That found it's way downstairs and wrapped around the legs of the table near the door, in a awkward tangle. The sound we heard was as though a large amount of china dinner plates were being thrown across the house. This is no random juice container falling from a pantry (silly non-paranormal event that I blew outta proportion when it happened but afterwords I accepted it was just gravity being clever.), neither of us can explain what the fuck happened that would cause this series of events. We'll see what happens over the next few days and go from there"

So, there ya have it... Odd things, but not fully in the realm of Paranormal... I am not thinking that my house is haunted, but I may have brought something home from the graveyard that morning. I hope not and that this is all just natural explainable phenomenon... but if not... I'd like a record and sequence of events as they occur. I've got a few dreams jotted down, that I am going to add tomorrow, but now, I'm tired, and I just want some sleep. I figure this is a plenty good explanation of the point of this blog... To sum up I will be using these labels, so you can avoid the stuff you don't want, and find the stuff you do.

1. Dreams: I'm gonna post dreams I have that I find interesting enough to share.
2. Musings: I am going to add personal opinions and rants here from time to time
3. Paranormal: There is this too... Any hunts I go on, any interesting things I decide to write about, and even evidence I may capture.
4. Art: I may just do this, but don't get your hopes up... A web comic of some sort... I dunno...
5. Spooky: anything weird that happens in my home...