Tonight I sat on my upstairs deck and watched the clouds roll by... It was warm and damp and very windy, and I got a strange sense of purpose. I sat and listened to music and in my mind's eye my dreams, hopes, and wishes all seemed within reach, just like those clouds rushing by.
I realized sitting there in the dark, I have felt really depressed lately... Maybe it is because I feel like I'm never living up to my potential, maybe it is because my past always seems to be reaching for me from the shadows... maybe I'm just lonely. All viable reasons, though, honestly it is because it is so damned cold... The winter sees me shut in like a hermit, and I hate it... for a fat guy, I love to get out, to hike and explore and camp and see the world around me... but, the cold air keeps me from finding a companion to hunt through the woods looking for a random bug, bunny, or just a pleasant spot to sit and take in all the beauty of nature. such as what I was doing, sitting on my deck... feeling the wind on my face and listening to the calls of the night.
As I sat taking the world in, I couldn't help be feel like I'm doing it wrong. Whatever it is... and that I am more then capable of changing it. And so I am, I'm changing this... feeling... I'm going to make it better... I'm going to like myself more, and I may be lonely but I sure as hell am not alone. I'm going to change the things about myself that *I* don't like... Screw the things that other people don't like, or wish were different about me... I want to like *me* and when I do... the rest will fall into place.
Want to see a list of what I am changing? Too damn bad... that isn't the point of this.
Then why am I writing it? You could say I am putting it to "paper" so that I can actually create a tangible thought process out of an abstract feeling. You could also say I am looking for support in this choice (support is welcome, but not my purpose)... Honestly, the two reasons I'm doing this are 1. I intend on posting a blog about my personal thoughts, dreams, and life in general... one of the things I want to change is my inability to commit to a schedule, or journal. I feel I am an interesting and I figure if you *want* to see what is going on in my head... here is the place.
2.) Well... Honestly, when the Spring is beginning to spring, I get this feeling over and over again. When winter settles in, I begin to get depressed again. If the cold and winter feeling lasts roughly 4 months a year, I have 8 in which to put myself in a place to defend against that malaise. Just before this time last year, I broke up with a wonderful woman, because I could not cope with that idea... (that and I didn't know where I was going to be within a week...) I regret so many actions I've taken in my life, and almost all of them have been committed in the winter months... no regret is the wrong word... I look back upon them with sorrow... and I've decided for once to stand up against that malaise. So I will, I will stand up and take my life back, I will no longer allow the seasons to control my life. And to take a proper stance, I need a record, and a statement of intent. So this is a record to myself, Stand up, change what needs to be changed and end this cycle of discontentment. This time next year, I will be happy, I swear it.
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